It seems to be that the theme revolving around coaching and the season has been nagging. My mother asks me to go to the high school to sign up for coaching classes. Then my dad asks me about whether or not I have done it (like the same day) and then my mother will ask me again “because she just wants to make sure it gets done”. Rinse Lather Repeat, Rinse Lather Repeat. Blah Blah Blah.

From where I sit, I am an adult. I turned 22 last July and am quite responsible and this responsibility has been proven consistently for the last 10 years. I will get the stuff done, especially if I say I will get it done. Not even that this whole coaching situation was completely my idea. I was very excited to put my name in the mix for a job last spring when it was announced that my dad was the head varsity coach and he had five to eight positions to fill. But as the season became closer and closer I began to dread it. And trying to be a ‘responsible’ person I talked to my dad and my mom about how I was feeling.

I explained that I was feeling anxious to be in a team situation, and that I really wanted to coach and be a part of all of it. But that this season probably isnt the best time. I have done a lot of work to get my life and emotions to where they are today and I am feeling like maybe coaching right now will be more negative than positive in that recovery process. But I could tell that they didnt really hear me by the response. “Well just get the coaching and C.P.R. class done anyways so I can call you when I am in a bind.” I know my father. He is borderline workaholic, and he is one of those always tries to arrive right on time to everything and in the course of trying to do that is usually 10-15 minutes late types of people. All of this being completely 100% true, I would be called in to help almost every day and basically be a full-blown coach on the team. I dont feel like that is the kind of thing I want to be a part of.

Why can’t they just hear me and understand? My dad went through a similar situation with people at our old church. He is the one person in the world that should understand how I feel, and respect it. But he doesnt. He doesnt see that he hasnt set foot in a church since his ‘insadent’ and here I am becoming a full-blown pastor a mere 6 months after everything happened, metaphorically speaking. That is a very hard thing to do.

I’d just like a little space. Trust me, even if in my heart of hearts I dont want to do it, but I say I will, it will get done. I just need less pressure and more space.

I have just been officially named the assistant coach of the junior varsity girls basketball team at my alma mater high school. Basketball has always been a pivotal part of my life. Playing from third grade all the way up to two seasons in junior college. I was decent too, everything just came together too late in my eligibility for me to continue and along with chronic injuries, my basketball career was cut short. It feels good thought to know that you could have moved on. I had offers from schools even a couple of division two universities. Knowing that you had what it takes makes the ‘letting go of the dream’ part of life easier.

I am reluctant to do this job. My dad has been on the coaching staff at my old high school since I was a freshman. He started as the assistant coach on my freshman team and after I moved up to J.V. he was head coach of the frosh team for two seasons. He loved it so much he moved up to head the J.V. team and this summer was named Head of the Girls’s Basketball Organization for the high school, which means he is the head basketball coach. I was very excited for him. I knew how much basketball meant to him and how much he wanted this chance to attempt to build a program. But I was also excited for myself. I always knew I wanted to coach, to continue to be a part of basketball. At first I wanted to assist him at the varsity level, and I still could if I wanted but some things happened to me my last season playing that effected my life so severely that I couldnt do it. As the days creeped by this summer and the season became closer and closer I knew I wasnt ready, that I was still too wounded. After all this life changing experience happened to me in February of this year, it is only October now. I wanted to back out completely. And I tried, being only 22 and attending a local university I am living at home. I talked to my parents and explained that I wasnt ready, and that this experience just needed to wait maybe a season or two until I was emotionally ready to face this type of environment and situation again. But I don’t think they really understood the seriousness of what I was saying. So I was encouraged to just do it, coach a team, it would help everyone out so much.

At this point I was slated to be the head freshman coach. This was about a month ago, and I started to have anxiety about it. Being such an integral part of a team again, being so vulnerable and at the mercy of a big group of people who can decide you are in or out in an instant. It is the pinnacle of my worst fear since the ‘insident’ on my last team. I purposely didnt get C.P.R. certified and didnt go to the coaching class trying to avoid the whole situation.

Of course it didnt work, my dad found out that you dont need the coaching class the first year your on staff and the C.P.R. class is offered all the time, I just have to get it done by the end of the pre season.

I want to coach so bad, it is such a dream for me and a perfect opportunity to get my foot in the door. It just feels like all of this is happening at the worst time. I dont feel like I am ready.

 

This is a blog about my experiences and a place for me to discuss things I can’t talk about with anyone in my life. I know this experience is going to be tough and there are going to be days I get to my car and cry and others where I am so unbelievably happy I cant wipe the smile off my face. These are my memoirs from court side.