Today was a bad day. I lost the feeling. It is so precious to me, I should cherish it like a softball sized diamond, and yet I throw it away. So lets reflect on the day shall we?. 

Well I woke up, haha, so abnormal right? I had to get ready fast because I had Narnia rehearsal this morning and we normally have a family breakfast Saturday mornings. We went to our favorite taqueria that resides just down the street from our house. I had my usual breakfast burrito with beans, eggs, and potatoes. Swimming in salsa, it was amazing. Now if I was treating myself correctly I would have eaten no more than a fourth of it, but I consumed the whole thing. I told myself “It’s fine I will be full now all day, and I wont have to eat again today. I will move on tomorrow”. Then I went to rehearsal.

Halfway through rehearsal was snack time. It is a children’s theater so it is custom to have a break with a little snack and I ate two gram crackers. Why did I do this? I wasnt hungry, I wasnt bored. I ate them because they were there. I didnt even think, just saw it, grabbed it, and put it in my mouth.

Rehearsal finally ended and the beginners show began. The beginners conservatory this fall is Little Red Riding hood. I dressed all the children, talk about stress. And then ventured over to the next door coffee shop with my fellow stressed out individual for some coffee goodness. Being stressed out and a comfort eater this was not a good decision. I ordered a medium blended iced mocha! I even asked for whipped cream. It was the richest thing I think I have ever eaten. 

Then it was back to the theater to undress all the children and head to basketball practice. I went to practice and once I got home I had four pieces of Cinnabon cinnamon swirl toast. I still felt empty and unhappy so I made some mashed potatoes. I ate them all and then had some crackers with peanut butter.

Talk about binge eating… holy cow! I feel so full I could die. So I decided to take a shower. It always helps get me back on track to see myself in the mirror with nothing on.

After I finished with all of that and now that I was all clean and refreshed (kinda refreshed, I’m still hating myself for today) I looked for something comfy and baggy to wear. I have a favorite set of pajamas that I got last christmas that have panda bears and bamboo all over them and I chose those. They arent super baggy which I like, step in the right direction I think, and they are super cute. They made me feel so much better. 

I have to get the feeling back, I should finally get it and stop at nothing to lose it. Why cant I just do what is right? Why cant I think about my happiness and what will make me feel good? I only think about the moment and what I want not what I truly need for my wellbeing.

Panda bears saving my sanity today.