I have just been officially named the assistant coach of the junior varsity girls basketball team at my alma mater high school. Basketball has always been a pivotal part of my life. Playing from third grade all the way up to two seasons in junior college. I was decent too, everything just came together too late in my eligibility for me to continue and along with chronic injuries, my basketball career was cut short. It feels good thought to know that you could have moved on. I had offers from schools even a couple of division two universities. Knowing that you had what it takes makes the ‘letting go of the dream’ part of life easier.

I am reluctant to do this job. My dad has been on the coaching staff at my old high school since I was a freshman. He started as the assistant coach on my freshman team and after I moved up to J.V. he was head coach of the frosh team for two seasons. He loved it so much he moved up to head the J.V. team and this summer was named Head of the Girls’s Basketball Organization for the high school, which means he is the head basketball coach. I was very excited for him. I knew how much basketball meant to him and how much he wanted this chance to attempt to build a program. But I was also excited for myself. I always knew I wanted to coach, to continue to be a part of basketball. At first I wanted to assist him at the varsity level, and I still could if I wanted but some things happened to me my last season playing that effected my life so severely that I couldnt do it. As the days creeped by this summer and the season became closer and closer I knew I wasnt ready, that I was still too wounded. After all this life changing experience happened to me in February of this year, it is only October now. I wanted to back out completely. And I tried, being only 22 and attending a local university I am living at home. I talked to my parents and explained that I wasnt ready, and that this experience just needed to wait maybe a season or two until I was emotionally ready to face this type of environment and situation again. But I don’t think they really understood the seriousness of what I was saying. So I was encouraged to just do it, coach a team, it would help everyone out so much.

At this point I was slated to be the head freshman coach. This was about a month ago, and I started to have anxiety about it. Being such an integral part of a team again, being so vulnerable and at the mercy of a big group of people who can decide you are in or out in an instant. It is the pinnacle of my worst fear since the ‘insident’ on my last team. I purposely didnt get C.P.R. certified and didnt go to the coaching class trying to avoid the whole situation.

Of course it didnt work, my dad found out that you dont need the coaching class the first year your on staff and the C.P.R. class is offered all the time, I just have to get it done by the end of the pre season.

I want to coach so bad, it is such a dream for me and a perfect opportunity to get my foot in the door. It just feels like all of this is happening at the worst time. I dont feel like I am ready.

 

This is a blog about my experiences and a place for me to discuss things I can’t talk about with anyone in my life. I know this experience is going to be tough and there are going to be days I get to my car and cry and others where I am so unbelievably happy I cant wipe the smile off my face. These are my memoirs from court side.