I went to the doctor and he did all this crazy stuff to my knee that made it really sore. We talked about it and I did some x-rays and basically he thinks it is something like softening of the patella or a torn meniscus but…

Dont you always love the buts? But it is too inflamed right know to figure out what is actually injured in the knee and what isnt. I have too much swelling and pain in other areas of the knee from me not going to the doctor right when it happened. So for the next two weeks I am on Celebrex trying to bring down the inflammation  and then its back to the doctor to figure out the real problem.

Back to basketball. I am struggling today. In order to be a coach you have to be certified in CPR and First Aid. I missed the one they offer at the high school so I had to find another one some place near where I live. My dad, I can tell that he is a little frustrated that I don’t already have it done.

So I was online this morning trying to find a CPR class that I can take and I found some listed on the Red Cross website. I had to call my dad to find out if I just needed the CPR or if I needed the whole thing with the First Aid. He said I needed the whole thing but that I also needed to go to the Sheriffs department and get finger printed and get a TB test. This isnt that big of a deal really, but it’s that all of this is happening in the eleventh-hour. It doesnt have to be like that. I dont see why I couldnt know this like two or three weeks ago.

I just love it because if this situation was happening in reverse he would be livid! Like through the freaking roof with anger and he would belittle me and make me feel like him not having all the information was all my fault. Which is would be. But here I am and I start to sound just a little bit frustrated he breaks you down. I dont know if I can work so close to him! I just dont know.

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I have just been officially named the assistant coach of the junior varsity girls basketball team at my alma mater high school. Basketball has always been a pivotal part of my life. Playing from third grade all the way up to two seasons in junior college. I was decent too, everything just came together too late in my eligibility for me to continue and along with chronic injuries, my basketball career was cut short. It feels good thought to know that you could have moved on. I had offers from schools even a couple of division two universities. Knowing that you had what it takes makes the ‘letting go of the dream’ part of life easier.

I am reluctant to do this job. My dad has been on the coaching staff at my old high school since I was a freshman. He started as the assistant coach on my freshman team and after I moved up to J.V. he was head coach of the frosh team for two seasons. He loved it so much he moved up to head the J.V. team and this summer was named Head of the Girls’s Basketball Organization for the high school, which means he is the head basketball coach. I was very excited for him. I knew how much basketball meant to him and how much he wanted this chance to attempt to build a program. But I was also excited for myself. I always knew I wanted to coach, to continue to be a part of basketball. At first I wanted to assist him at the varsity level, and I still could if I wanted but some things happened to me my last season playing that effected my life so severely that I couldnt do it. As the days creeped by this summer and the season became closer and closer I knew I wasnt ready, that I was still too wounded. After all this life changing experience happened to me in February of this year, it is only October now. I wanted to back out completely. And I tried, being only 22 and attending a local university I am living at home. I talked to my parents and explained that I wasnt ready, and that this experience just needed to wait maybe a season or two until I was emotionally ready to face this type of environment and situation again. But I don’t think they really understood the seriousness of what I was saying. So I was encouraged to just do it, coach a team, it would help everyone out so much.

At this point I was slated to be the head freshman coach. This was about a month ago, and I started to have anxiety about it. Being such an integral part of a team again, being so vulnerable and at the mercy of a big group of people who can decide you are in or out in an instant. It is the pinnacle of my worst fear since the ‘insident’ on my last team. I purposely didnt get C.P.R. certified and didnt go to the coaching class trying to avoid the whole situation.

Of course it didnt work, my dad found out that you dont need the coaching class the first year your on staff and the C.P.R. class is offered all the time, I just have to get it done by the end of the pre season.

I want to coach so bad, it is such a dream for me and a perfect opportunity to get my foot in the door. It just feels like all of this is happening at the worst time. I dont feel like I am ready.

 

This is a blog about my experiences and a place for me to discuss things I can’t talk about with anyone in my life. I know this experience is going to be tough and there are going to be days I get to my car and cry and others where I am so unbelievably happy I cant wipe the smile off my face. These are my memoirs from court side.