Yesterday I went shopping in Monterey with my grandma. It was really fun. We bought her a new purse and then we went on the hunt for me to find some more coaching apparel.

unfortunately, we werent to successful in Macy’s so we trekked down to the Ann Taylor LOFT, one of my all time favorite stores! We found two of the cutest purple shirts that can go more casual or dressy depending on the outfit, and two amazing cardigans! I love the cream one, it has the cutest little chiffon rosettes at the shoulder. My grandma also spotted this cute super light gold necklace which has these light purple stones in it. Which is perfect because I am trying to wear all gold jewelry since our colors are purple and gold!

We have been having drama on my basketball team with a couple of girls and their getting along. I have been so drained from it since it is in the genre of drama I dealt with last spring. I decided to try to promote team bonding last night at practice so it was a pretty light night and we did a lot of competitive races and things like that. I actually think it kinda helped.

I had this idea this morning to start to write this story. This is weird because I am not that great of a writer, but I think it is going to help me get closure and be very therapeutic. I am no where near done with even the first chapter but I thought I would post it here on this blog as a sort of ‘release of thoughts and feelings’, who knows if it will even help.

It is cold here and I need to go to work, blah!

I have been feeling sad lately. I think it has to do with being so involved with basketball. And then the fact that I still have to go to Harntell a lot. It is basketball season there too and I see the girls around, three or four of which were on the team last year. It hurts to even hear them talk about the season on Facebook and MySpace.

But so someone told me that I should try getting a pet, as a recovery aid. I would love to get a dog or a cat, but since I live with my parents they would never go for it. So I went to the local PetsMart and bought a gold-fish.

I chose the bubble cheek variety because I have a Japanese tea up sitting on my desk that has some of them painted on it. I really like him, I just sit on my bed and watch him swim.

I havent been able to nail down a name yet though. I was trying to name him Romeo, but my mom and brother said that was too cheesy. Then I thought about getting another one so I could name them both Danny and Sandy or Tristan and Isolde or something like that. Plus I dont want him to be lonely. But then I looked online and found out that gold-fish are not schooling fish, so they dont mind being alone. Finally we landed on the name Claude after Claude Monet. But I just dont feel like its right.

I really wanted to blog about him, and how he has really started to make my spirits soar. And I thought I really need a picture of him. Well he must be camara shy because he was swimming around like crazy, and as soon as I got the camera out of my desk drawer he went in hiding! He fits into very small unlikely places. I am actually pretty impressed with his invisibility skills…

Boy is he sneaky, I was lucky to catch him trying to move to a new hiding spot! Hence the blurry-ness. I was trying to snap it quick!

So I am still trying to land on a name, I cant seem to come up with one that fits. My latest attempt was Zen, its gender neutral so you know I cant give him or her a complex or anything like that. But I am still not convinced it’s the right name.

So finally in the battle with my fish to get a decent picture, I had to resort to trickery. I sat down at my desk and then peaked over my shoulder and he was emerging from his hideaway. This silly Fish!

Anyways if you are ever sad and need a new friend, go with a gold-fish they are portable, purchasable, sunshine!

Yesterday was CRAZY! I had to wake up early, and then I had two shows. The the matinée wasnt as good, it was the second show in our nine show series and the second one is never as good. All that anxiety and nervous energy doesnt happen like it does for opening night, and you are relieved that opening night went so well.

In the show I am four characters. I am a principle in the opening and closing as Mrs. Macready. Then I am a snow drift that has to melt on stage. Next I am a wood sprite which requires a make up change. Then I change into my hag costume which requires another make up change, and after two battles, killing the metaphorical “Jesus” figure of Aslan and singing three songs, I change back into Mrs.Macready, and have to change my make up one final time. It’s exhausting! I was so tired last night I couldnt even comprehend people talking to me haha.

So I decided that today was all about me, my computer, my pajammies, and some movies. Lately I am all about Lifetime and the Hallmark channel because they show Christmas movies 24/7.Plus it is a yucky day outside so it feels even better!

It is December again and time for Christmas shopping. I already know what I am getting my dad… A UCSC slugs hat. Then I found the perfect little gift for my boyfriend’s sister. But I am left with the hard ones. My boyfriend and my mom. Usually I start talking to my dad about my mom’s gifts by Thanksgiving. He kinda brushes me off and then its Christmas Eve and I am trying to throw everything together at the last-minute, along with the millions of people who are shopping that day too.

But surprisingly we have an idea already. About a month ago my dad and I did a bunch of research on netbooks, and we bought one for myself for school. Well we think that my mom will like one too! She commutes to work and had two jobs. So she can take it with her, and she can use the wireless network we already have set up in the house to be on the internet anywhere, even in her room. She only really uses the internet on our home computer, for e-mailing and such. Then she uses quick books at the office. So a netbook is perfect for her!

I decided on a Dell 10v for her. And we are getting her the awesome purple one from the design studio. I am so excited about it! YAY no Christmas Eve shopping for me this year.

Yesterday was a hard day. I went to my old junior college for the last part of my memory testing and I saw the girls on this season’s basketball team. They were all smiling and laughing together. It cut a huge hole in my heart. Or I guess re-opened the scared newly healed hole that once ruled my life. I just dont see how they can be fine when they ruined my life for so long. They will never know what that day did to me, and how I will probably never be the same.

But I was feeling very sad when I got home, and I just dont feel like I can really talk about it to people anymore. They are bored of it and shouldnt have to hear it anymore. They think I should be completely over it by now and the fact of the matter is that I am not. Maybe I never will be. But I was sad and I got out my guitar, Maggie. I havent played her in probably six months and for the last day and a half I have played so much my fingers are bleeding. I dont know what it is about the guitar but it seems to be there when I need something to get my life back on track.

I’m not that good but I still love it and play my chords with passion lol.

This morning started off rough, which is saying something since it is only 11:20am. I woke up to try to make it to freshman basketball practice which the schedule said started at 8am. So I woke up to find out that it was changed to 1:30. All is not lost, because I have JV practice at 10. I had a play last night and am exhausted but I will be okay. So my mom, dad and I all went to our favorite taqueria for breakfast burritos which is always fun. I had a Bean Egg, and Potato with salsa. Then I left early from that to make it to practice at 9:50 ish.

Well I got to the school and opened the gym, went up to the ball closet and got all the balls we needed and waited. 10:10 rolled around and no one showed up. I called my dad since he is head of the program and he said he didnt know what was going on and that he would call the head coach of my team and find out what was up. About five minutes later he called back and said he couldnt reach him and that he didnt know what was going on.

I was so mad I left and came home and sat down with my guitar again. At 11 my dad called me and said that Ken (the head JV coach) called him and said that practice was re-scheduled into an open gym from 11-12. No one bothered to tell any of this. I am just a little pissed, I mean come on. I have a very busy schedule and am trying my hardest to be at everything I can be at. And before 10:30 this morning, which is when I would have liked to wake up, I had already gotten screwed twice. That is just a great way to start the day. It’s all just fabulous!

It is 12:21 am here in my wonderful life and I am sitting here in my room at my computer and am amazed that my room is still clean…

Why is this amazing? Well I will share it with you. The cleanliness of my room, bathroom, life really, reflects the stress level of my life. When everything goes to pot like school, work, hobbies, drama, anything really, my room gets destroyed. So I am so impressed with the fact that I have been so busy and dealing with serious drama and my room is still sparkling clean.

I am OCD (or how I would like to spell it CDO) or have OCD tendencies i guess. And the only way I say my room is clean is if nothing is out-of-place. No paper, book, sock, piece of lint, anything. Nothing is out-of-place, its heaven.

We had our last Narnia rehearsal tonight and it actually went pretty well. We made it through the whole show start to finish, which is a relief. And now that for the last three days we have been going through the different scenes in order I feel pretty confident about it all. I think I need to know what the show is doing before I can get really into the part. That is probably bad but at least it comes together in the end, before the show opens.

Max is coming to the show tomorrow night which is cool. I am glad he comes. I am nervous to debut my Scottish accent to the world, but it will happen, and all I can do is hope that it goes well.

I heard the basketball team lost, bummer. But you can’t have a perfect record forever. I need to go to bed, pronto!

My life this week is CRAZY, with a capital C! I know this 1) because it is the end of Wednesday and I am exhausted, 2) because it is December which means its time to buy a new planner, and I did and had to stare at all my things to do more than normal!

What I realized while staring at my planner today was that I completely over booked myself between the hours of 2pm and 9pm. I should be at at least one basketball practice, ideally two, and rehearsal or show for Narnia! It is far too much and I need to remember this for next season when I am asked to participate in the winter production.

Basketball is going well. The girls had their first game last night and they WON! I was amazed, I was a little worried. But they creamed them 40 to 12. Now they played a very bad team, but having a win under your belt always feels good. I wasnt able to go to the game because I had to be at Narnia rehearsal as it is tech week and the show opens on friday night. I didnt think that I would be able to make it to anything basketball this week, and until today I hadn’t. I missed monday practice and Tuesday’s game. Today I was able to make practice but tomorrow I will miss their second game (it breaks my heart so bad!) and then friday I will miss practice again. I am hoping I will make it to saturday practice but if the schedule changes, as it often does, I wont. I am also missing their tournament next weekend due to Narnia shows. I am so sad about it all. But the good thing is that after that I shouldnt miss anything.

So I braved the shopping madness for Christmas this afternoon and went to the mall to try to get a couple of things for game days. We have to dress business casual for games and I didnt have too much in that department. I had two pairs of dress pants and a blouse. I also have maybe two shirts that I could make work with the dress pants, but none of it was purple and since purple is the team color I felt that this was a serious problem! So I went to New York and Co because they carry the “tall” sizes in pants which is a necessity or else I look like I am waiting for a flood to hit. But I bought a light purple dress shirt and a matching light purple cardigan that has ruffles. I am addicted to any type of ruffle and couldnt resist. Then I also picked out a pair of dress pants. I already had a black pair and a tan plaid pair. So I got a dark grey and black plaid pair. The pattern is really subtle and they fit amazing. It is always so cool when I find pants that fit well.

I also did some light Christmas shopping. But all in all today was a very productive day!

Today my mom and I went to Savers to look for skirts and blouses for me to wear on stage as Mrs. Macready in the show Narnia. So the reason why we have to go out to look for costumes is because I do not fit in any of the ones we have in the open stock section of the costume department. Which is justifiable. It is a children’s theater so most of the costumes are in smaller sizes. I am also 5’10” and not skinny. I am normal sized, so I dont fit into size sixes and eights. I am more of a 10/12. Being an athlete my entire life gives you thunder thighs.

So we went to Savers and we were looking for skirts and we couldnt find anything. Well that is not true. We found lots of skirts that would work, but none that were big enough. If I was skinny and a size 6 or 8 we would have tons of options.

I am not comfortable going to stores and shopping and sometimes the biggest size doesnt fit. And I hate not being able to wear some styles of clothes because my body shape isnt right for it.

I am a vegetarian so I am pretty lean. And the longer I am vegetarian the leaner I seem to get. But I want to be like twenty pounds lighter. I want to go shopping and not worry about buying things in white and light colors. And I dont want to worry about buying some styles of clothes because they will be too tight. I have to find what works to get control of all of this. I am a together person and I dont feel like I seem together when I am not in shape.