Today I took my grandma to San Jose to go shopping for Christmas. It was so crowded, I cant believe we decided to go so close to D-Day!

But to make a long story short we found everything we needed and then some. And we had our normal splurge of Panda Express for lunch. I was actually very good and had a Panda Bowl with steamed veggies and eggplant tofu! I am so proud of myself and it was surprisingly filling. Veggies do that to you, water content and high fiber always makes you full.

I need to get my pilates for the day done and it is already 10:22. ahh!


Today I was completely adventurous! First I took the food journal off my page! YAY, applause, clapping and screaming fans everywhere! Why? Well I have been having very un-healthy thoughts lately, like ED thoughts, and I decided to do a lot of research and create an account on caloriecount.com, which is an About.com affiliate.

I really like the sight. It lets you dictate a calorie intake goal for the day and then you can log all the food you consume. Plus the food database is huge, and if it doesnt have something you ate, you can add it manually including all its nutritional info, not just the calories. Then it has an activity tracker with tons of activities. It tells you based on your height and weight and age etc. how many calories you need to consume in a day to maintain and then cross references it to how many you need to burn. It is so cool. I am completely stoked!

So what did I do today, I did 40 minutes of yoga. This site got me all motivated and I have decided to try to do some sort of activity every day. Today was yoga, I feel so good and relaxed now.

The sight caloriecount.com is so cool, it had the hatha yoga that I did and it said that if you do an hour it burns 180 calories. I only did 40 minutes and it wasnt too hard. Hello, every little bit helps.  

Oh, and caloriecount wanted a goal for when I want to lose my 25 pounds by. Which I so never thought of before. So I decided on my birthday, July 3rd. That gives me 6 months to get it done.

I have chosen to eat 1200 calories a day which would get the 25lbs lost in around 3 to 4 months, but I am accounting for some bad days and I want to have a free day every week. This way I don’t feel too deprived. I want this to become a way of life now that I am no longer an athlete and burning an average of 600 calories a day.

But anyways back to my yoga.  I am so happy I started doing it again. It was rather challenging since I am still sickly and very stuffy. The whole control your breathing thing is a little hard while coughing and trying  to breath through congestion. But I sucked on a cough drop for about half of it and was using my super cook CamelBak water bottle. Save the earth, use re-usable.  Well I’m off to shower before basketball practice and I have to go out to Best Buy to do a little recon work on my moms Netbook Christmas present.

This morning I woke up to find myself still sickly. I really wanted to wake up to feeling better and having proof that I am on the back-end of this whole viral plague situation. But after truly looking at the situation objectively and with an unbiased eye, I must conclude that I am just as sick as I was yesterday.

The good news is that I have finally decided between a simple cold and a sinus infection. It’s a head cold which is much better than a sinus infection because it requires no doctors visits or antibiotics.

So suffering from a headache and eye pain, stuffy-ness, coughing and chapped lips I have nestled myself with my computer and camera on the couch in front of the TV.

I don’t really like to talk about my “food afflictions” on this page, I keep another page to talk about my daily trials, so that people who don’t want to read about it don’t have to. But last night I came up with something new to try to lose the weight and I am trying it out today. I want to write about it here.

I decided to monitor my calories, I practically count everything I eat already so this is not that big of an undertaking. A year of Weight Watchers combined with another year or so of calorie counting does that to you. It is surprising how it becomes second nature.  But I did some research online and found out that for my height and weight and the desire to lose 25 pounds I need to consume between 1100 and 120o calories a day. I feel like now that I have a cap on my calories I will binge a lot less. Then I also decided that I can do fine not eating all day, but it will eventually lead to me over eating due to deprivation. So I am trying to eat many small meals throughout the day. I don’t get weird if I don’t eat any actual meals, i.e. breakfast, lunch or dinner. I often eat something like crackers and cheese for dinner or something that is considered a snack or side dish in place of my meal.

So with implementing this new concept I actually made myself breakfast… first in a while. I made some instant oats with vanilla flavored almond milk. I added some walnuts, dates and cranberries. It was amazing. I wont put the calories on here and will post it on my journal page, but it was a good investment of calories.

I am feeling surprisingly good about this new food outlook and adventure. Oh and cn I say how happy I am with my HP Mini Netbook?! Its fabulous, and since I am an ex-mac that is saying something. The only thing I don’t like about it is the Windows 7 Starter. I am asking for the upgrade to full Windows 7 for Christmas, we will see if Santa is good to me this year.

My cold medicine is kicking in and making me sleepy, im off for a nap.

I don’t know how my life became this way. It seems like the last four and a half years have consisted of nothing but failures. Failing out of college and constantly getting bad grades, returning home, going to the hell hole of Hartnell, the basketball program at Hartnell, my boyfriend… the list could go on. I am so damaged, I don’t even have any friends that truly know me. No one to call if I need someone to talk to.

It’s a trust issue. I have been screwed and burned by people too many times. Do I even know how to get friends if I wanted to? Probably not.

Max makes me confused. It’s good, everything is okay with him. And I know if I chose to be with him it would be a good life, probably better than a lot of people’s lives. I would never have to get a divorce or anything like that. Maybe my “okay” is better than most people’s “awesome”, I just don’t know. But then it could also go the other way, maybe I am missing out on something perfect and so much better by settling. How to find the answer… its impossible.

I kind of  like this guy I met. Nothing has happened or anything like that. I don’t even know if this guy feels the same way. It is hard for me to take a risk like that without knowing what the right answer is, or what the outcome will be. Plus I don’t even know if taking a risk like that is worth it to me. But sometimes I wonder if I have missed out on some really good opportunities because I can’t seem to “let go”, but do I want to let go… I don’t think so, or do I just think that is the right “acceptable” answer? The underlining theme is I DONT KNOW!

I am starting school again on January 5th. First off there are only two open classes that are worthwhile for me to take because incoming transfer students have the worst priority for registration. So I tried to register today and I couldn’t because of a transcript issue. I turned in two of three transcripts about two weeks ago, I am waiting for one to get sent over there. Well they don’t process any of them until they have the entire thing. And the didn’t tell me that you should turn in a transcript into your department so they can determine prerequisites themselves. I was like great, it would have been nice to know this maybe a month ago, so that I could register on time. It’s so frustrating.

It is just time for things to work out in my life. Everything has been such a hassle and difficult for four years why does it have to continue. And I know people tend to only focus on the bad things so they stick out more than the things that are easy. Well I’m not doing that. Every big decision in my life for the last four years has been dram and difficult. I’m over it, when does Karma click in and give me a break. Havent I paid my dues already?

Blah Blah Blah

Today was the second day of sickness. I woke up to feel stuffy, achy, chilly, and just all in all sickly. I have been unable to decide if I am suffering from a sinus infection or a simple head cold, but the end all is the simple fact that I am sick.

I spend the whole day on the couch watching TV again, along with a couple of naps. This is a problem now for nighttime, I probably wont be able to sleep now. Around 11:00 I called my dad and asked him to run to the pharmacy for me and get some congestion medicine, cough drops, chap stick and some diet coke. Surprisingly he did it for me, and the medicine he got me works so well, I almost don’t feel sick at all when I take it.

Thanks to my Papi I was well enough after taking some medicine to get to my team’s basketball game tonight. I tried to stay for the varsity game but began feeling sick again about half way through so I left at half time. My mom went to the store and bought me some teryaki noodles for dinner, which were so good!

Hopefully I am on the back-end of this cold and will feel pretty close to 100% again tomorrow.

Between today and yesterday my mom brought all the christmas decorations out.  In two days the house has transformed into some christmas spirit. The Dicken’s Village is out and the stockings are hung. The one thing I can never get on board with is the fake tree that lives in a box in our attic, but it does look good and makes less of a mess so I can see its appeal.

Today I am sick. I felt it brewing, I thought I might have avoided it, but I was wrong.

Symptoms: weak, sleepy, pressure in head, stuffy, cough, voiceless.

My job at Ariel is ending on Monday. I’m struggling with it. Ariel was the thing I belonged to. Something that gave me interaction with people and a purpose that affected people other than myself. If the job goes, I don’t know how I will function anymore. It makes me depressed just thinking about it.

I’m not losing the job because I wasnt doing a good job or anything like that. The way the theater got the funding to hire me was through a grant. I worked for the first three months under full funding from the grant, then we applied for an extension period of three months where Ariel would only have to pay half of my salary and then the grant money would cover the other half. I don’t think there are anymore extensions, and I really don’t think they have the money to keep me on.

I would work fewer hours, I am only working 15 a week as it is, but I could go down to 10. Or I could go for less pay. I could go for minimum wage rather than my $11.00 an hour I am getting now.

I want to stop thinking about this, I don’t want to be sad anymore.

I knew I didn’t want to go to work this morning. I am practically living at Ariel this weekend, with having the normal shows friday and saturday and then an extra one last night I just feel pretty burnt out of it. Also, my body had become an “incubus of viral plague” (see the Devil Wears Prada for reference) and am trying to do my part to not contaminate the shows actors. I need to get some hours in though so I will probably go this afternoon.

But I decided to get out of the house, it is always a trial to get myself out for the entire day. So I took my netbook to Starbucks. Treated myself to a grande Americano with two splenda and sat down at one of the tables.

I normally don’t sit in coffee shoppes. It just had never appealed to me. But I really wanted to work on “The Latte Boy”. I only started it yesterday and I have done around four pages. I dont know what the actual story is yet. I have a general idea but I have been trying to figure out how to attack writing something like this… as it evolves in my mind.

Normally when I write something I have the whole thing playing out in my head. This time I have the middle part but not really the beginning or the end. Well I guess I do have the beginning, but I don’t know how to focus it. Everything is too broad and I need to just figure out what I am doing.

Plus I came here for some inspiration, The actual Latte Boy is here and I felt like this would be a good place to find the missing pieces to the story I have yet to find.

The show las night was pretty good. I felt like I did a pretty good job. But I didn’t give my best performance as a cruelie. I only scared one child to the point of tears, which is a disappointment. I don’t try to scare the kids, my costume is just scary.

Back to being creative…

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