I don’t know how my life became this way. It seems like the last four and a half years have consisted of nothing but failures. Failing out of college and constantly getting bad grades, returning home, going to the hell hole of Hartnell, the basketball program at Hartnell, my boyfriend… the list could go on. I am so damaged, I don’t even have any friends that truly know me. No one to call if I need someone to talk to.

It’s a trust issue. I have been screwed and burned by people too many times. Do I even know how to get friends if I wanted to? Probably not.

Max makes me confused. It’s good, everything is okay with him. And I know if I chose to be with him it would be a good life, probably better than a lot of people’s lives. I would never have to get a divorce or anything like that. Maybe my “okay” is better than most people’s “awesome”, I just don’t know. But then it could also go the other way, maybe I am missing out on something perfect and so much better by settling. How to find the answer… its impossible.

I kind of  like this guy I met. Nothing has happened or anything like that. I don’t even know if this guy feels the same way. It is hard for me to take a risk like that without knowing what the right answer is, or what the outcome will be. Plus I don’t even know if taking a risk like that is worth it to me. But sometimes I wonder if I have missed out on some really good opportunities because I can’t seem to “let go”, but do I want to let go… I don’t think so, or do I just think that is the right “acceptable” answer? The underlining theme is I DONT KNOW!

I am starting school again on January 5th. First off there are only two open classes that are worthwhile for me to take because incoming transfer students have the worst priority for registration. So I tried to register today and I couldn’t because of a transcript issue. I turned in two of three transcripts about two weeks ago, I am waiting for one to get sent over there. Well they don’t process any of them until they have the entire thing. And the didn’t tell me that you should turn in a transcript into your department so they can determine prerequisites themselves. I was like great, it would have been nice to know this maybe a month ago, so that I could register on time. It’s so frustrating.

It is just time for things to work out in my life. Everything has been such a hassle and difficult for four years why does it have to continue. And I know people tend to only focus on the bad things so they stick out more than the things that are easy. Well I’m not doing that. Every big decision in my life for the last four years has been dram and difficult. I’m over it, when does Karma click in and give me a break. Havent I paid my dues already?

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