November 2009

Today my mom and I went to Savers to look for skirts and blouses for me to wear on stage as Mrs. Macready in the show Narnia. So the reason why we have to go out to look for costumes is because I do not fit in any of the ones we have in the open stock section of the costume department. Which is justifiable. It is a children’s theater so most of the costumes are in smaller sizes. I am also 5’10” and not skinny. I am normal sized, so I dont fit into size sixes and eights. I am more of a 10/12. Being an athlete my entire life gives you thunder thighs.

So we went to Savers and we were looking for skirts and we couldnt find anything. Well that is not true. We found lots of skirts that would work, but none that were big enough. If I was skinny and a size 6 or 8 we would have tons of options.

I am not comfortable going to stores and shopping and sometimes the biggest size doesnt fit. And I hate not being able to wear some styles of clothes because my body shape isnt right for it.

I am a vegetarian so I am pretty lean. And the longer I am vegetarian the leaner I seem to get. But I want to be like twenty pounds lighter. I want to go shopping and not worry about buying things in white and light colors. And I dont want to worry about buying some styles of clothes because they will be too tight. I have to find what works to get control of all of this. I am a together person and I dont feel like I seem together when I am not in shape.


So it’s the sunday after thanksgiving. I have to say I think I gained probably five pounds. I just couldnt resist with all that just hanging out and food out everywhere. Today everyone is leaving and the “togetherness” will end and everyone will go back to their daily lives. Sad we only hang out for holidays.

I am having a bad morning. I woke up and did the usual, brushing teeth and taking a shower. Then I threw together this really cute outfit with a LOFT ruffle tee an Old Navy Cardigan and some grey tan plaid dress pants I have from the GAP. The pants have always been about a size too big for me and they require a belt. But I put them on today and they were definitely not too big! Oh my gosh! My mind is going crazy thats for sure.

Have to go to church. And dont want the cousin discovering the blog. Dont need snoopy people stocking me online.

So I just spent probably twenty minutes or more working on my pictures page. I was downloading and importing all the pictures from my trip to Chicago. I had just finished and told it to update the page and when I went to view the new page nothing had saved! I just can’t do it all again right now, I am to frustrated.

But on a better note I have had a very productive morning. I woke up and decided to get to work. I separated my laundry and started my first load at around 10am, that has to be a record right?! Then I dusted everything in my room, it was crazy gross. Then I started working on that pictures page I was talking about before. Grrr. I can’t even think about it. Oh I took some pictures of my screen hanging on the wall to share. I know the lighting isnt super great but its morning and my room gets A LOT of natural light. Plus my little point and shoot Nikon struggles with light, so just gotta live with it.

But I absolutely love the screen. The two little birds snuggling together in the middle are precious!

I am just looking at my calendar and I have a very busy day (and week) ahead of me. Today I have to drive over to Monterey to deliver some things for my dad and then I have to go to work for a couple of hours. I have to get tested for my learning disabilities at 3 and then I have two basketball practices that are from 5-7 and 5:30-7:30. I also have Narnia rehearsal from 6-8. If only I had three of me I could be 100% present at everything. I also need to finish my laundry and chores (monday is my chore day) and shower and get pretty for the day.

I hate testing for my disabilities. See, I have a diagnosed learning disability that had to do with my working memory. I guess in laymen terms it would be called “Dori syndrome”. You know Dori from Finding Nemo, she had no short-term memory?. Well I am kind of the same way. I struggle to get information into my long-term memory. It makes college very hard. I have to study so much to just pass tests. There is no cramming in my college life lol. But in order to get help from the school like extra time on tests, and note takers you have to submit your test scores from these special tests given to you by a learning disability specialist. Well you have to be tested every two to three years or else the information on the tests is invalid. This is why it stinks. I know what I am bad at, and my results never change. I hate sitting there and getting my flaws exposed over and over again. I always walk out of the room after the tests feeling stupid and like an idiot.

Oh well life goes on.

Last weekend I started re-vamping my room a little bit. And boy did I do a lot all in one day. I painted two walls and re did the wall hangings etc.

Well the last thing I had to do was to hang the reason for re-vamping the room in the first place. I bought a large Japanese screen at an Antique shop and my plan was to hang it on the wall above my bed. I had to re decorate the room so that the new Japanese influence would work out and match. Well after a week of waiting patiently for my dad to get around to hanging it up, he finally did! It looks amazing.

I still have one thing I want to do sometime in the future to tie everything in the room together but I think I will do that after I get paid this next time. I want to buy an iron asian inspired wall fixture that holds tea light candles. I know the one I want and I think it is about 30 dollars at bed bath and beyond.

But boy am I excited that the room is finished. I love hanging out in there now. It looks amazing.

Other than that the day was pretty normal. I woke up, ate lunch with the family (since it is sunday of course), I did some cleaning, saw the boyfriend, ate some dinner, helped my brother with his math homework. So eventful!

Today was a bad day. I lost the feeling. It is so precious to me, I should cherish it like a softball sized diamond, and yet I throw it away. So lets reflect on the day shall we?. 

Well I woke up, haha, so abnormal right? I had to get ready fast because I had Narnia rehearsal this morning and we normally have a family breakfast Saturday mornings. We went to our favorite taqueria that resides just down the street from our house. I had my usual breakfast burrito with beans, eggs, and potatoes. Swimming in salsa, it was amazing. Now if I was treating myself correctly I would have eaten no more than a fourth of it, but I consumed the whole thing. I told myself “It’s fine I will be full now all day, and I wont have to eat again today. I will move on tomorrow”. Then I went to rehearsal.

Halfway through rehearsal was snack time. It is a children’s theater so it is custom to have a break with a little snack and I ate two gram crackers. Why did I do this? I wasnt hungry, I wasnt bored. I ate them because they were there. I didnt even think, just saw it, grabbed it, and put it in my mouth.

Rehearsal finally ended and the beginners show began. The beginners conservatory this fall is Little Red Riding hood. I dressed all the children, talk about stress. And then ventured over to the next door coffee shop with my fellow stressed out individual for some coffee goodness. Being stressed out and a comfort eater this was not a good decision. I ordered a medium blended iced mocha! I even asked for whipped cream. It was the richest thing I think I have ever eaten. 

Then it was back to the theater to undress all the children and head to basketball practice. I went to practice and once I got home I had four pieces of Cinnabon cinnamon swirl toast. I still felt empty and unhappy so I made some mashed potatoes. I ate them all and then had some crackers with peanut butter.

Talk about binge eating… holy cow! I feel so full I could die. So I decided to take a shower. It always helps get me back on track to see myself in the mirror with nothing on.

After I finished with all of that and now that I was all clean and refreshed (kinda refreshed, I’m still hating myself for today) I looked for something comfy and baggy to wear. I have a favorite set of pajamas that I got last christmas that have panda bears and bamboo all over them and I chose those. They arent super baggy which I like, step in the right direction I think, and they are super cute. They made me feel so much better. 

I have to get the feeling back, I should finally get it and stop at nothing to lose it. Why cant I just do what is right? Why cant I think about my happiness and what will make me feel good? I only think about the moment and what I want not what I truly need for my wellbeing.

Panda bears saving my sanity today.

No it cannot! I just got back from basketball practice and I really didnt practice as much as I was hoping. My ankle and knee are completely shot to hell and I just couldnt practice much more than the warm up. So I really didnt burn as many calories as I ate this afternoon for lunch.

Then I got home and drank my diet coke and I was feeling really hungry so I ate a bowl of Annie Chung’s Miso Soup. It is 110 calories a serving and there are two servings in the whole bowl! What a stupid idea! I mean really, put two servings in a microwave bowl.Whoever had that idea should rewind and revise!

But here I am sitting on the couch blogging and watching the Hills and my tummy is hungry. There is nothing to deserve this hungry-ness. I ate a huge lunch and I really shouldnt have had dinner and I did, I even had two servings of it. There is no reason for my tummy to be acting like this. Grrr!

Today started really well. I woke up and did a few things around the house. Then I had a lunch plan with my dad. I was feeling empty which was good so I felt like I could go with some food.

We went to this little mexican restaurant called Mi Tierra. Being a vegetarian that doesnt eat cow’s milk products, I didnt have any options that really fit the diet. So I ordered the chili relleno combination that included rice and beans.

In total I ate the whole chili relleno and all of the rice and beans. I also had a couple of chips. Then I got home and I just had a little spoon of peanut butter and a mug of hot chocolate.

This is way too much food, and it is only 1:00pm. Today is almost a failure. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that I have four hours of basketball practice tonight. I am practicing with my JV team because they asked me to last night. And I can practice with the freshman team too, maybe I can burn off a lot of the calories that I ate today.

Maybe I will do some pilates this afternoon before practice too, I dont know. I feel so gross.

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