October 2009


Here I am at 12:39 and I cant sleep! I have done the unthinkable and taken some night-time cold medicine in the hopes of feeling sleepy within fifteen minutes.

Tomorrow is Halloween, or should I say today?. I am going out as a Gatsby Girl or flapper. It suits me because I don’t want to go out looking all slutty and everything, plus my body really cant pull it off, and I don’t want to look like everyone else. I know everyone is going to dress up like a pirate or an angel/devil. Come on get original people. But I think my costume is super cute. I found a drop waist, shift style dress at a department store for only $20.00, and I am wearing it with some stockings and high heals that I already have. I bought a 20’s inspired little hat, which is so cute, I have to find a way to wear it with my normal wardrobe. Then I bought a feather to wear in my hair and a string of pearls and called it good. The boyfriend is going as a mobster so it works out together.

Tomorrow is going to be such a crazy day. I have rehearsal from 9-1 and breakfast before that. I know, breakfast so early… why? Because its tradition, we always go to Black Bear Diner before saturday rehearsals. Then I have to run a few errands with my mom from 1-3 because we are leaving sunday morning for Chicago for a week. Then at 4 I have my first Halloween party and am leaving that at 6 to go to another one. I hope I can get ready in the hour I will have once we are done running errands.

Being a California Girl in my day-to-day life, I realized that I really dont have a wardrobe to accommodate low 40’s high 30’s weather so I need a few of the essentials like gloves and scarves etc… . But you never have everything you need when you are going on a vacation.

But I am looking forward to tomorrow and dressing up, it will be the first time in a couple of years that I am going to go out and dress up and have fun. Usually I just sit at home and hand out candy to all the kids that come by the house, while I watch Miracle on 34th street. Don’t ask me why I watch that movie, but I always have ever since I was little, so just chalk it off to my weirdness.

Well I think its time to go try to sleep… one sheep, two sheep, three sheep…



Today has sucked! My mother has gone totally off the reservation! We have been fighting all day and it really hasnt been my fault. I hate fighting with people and I am not good at it.

Everything that doesnt go how she wants it to go is because I didnt do something right. I try to talk to her about things that are going on, mainly basketball stuff, and she starts yelling at me and going crazy. I dont even know what to do.

I’m sorry mom I know your stressed out, but everyone else in the world is stressed and has stuff to do too so sorry the world doesnt revolve around you today!

What a lovely day.

I went to the doctor and he did all this crazy stuff to my knee that made it really sore. We talked about it and I did some x-rays and basically he thinks it is something like softening of the patella or a torn meniscus but…

Dont you always love the buts? But it is too inflamed right know to figure out what is actually injured in the knee and what isnt. I have too much swelling and pain in other areas of the knee from me not going to the doctor right when it happened. So for the next two weeks I am on Celebrex trying to bring down the inflammation  and then its back to the doctor to figure out the real problem.

Back to basketball. I am struggling today. In order to be a coach you have to be certified in CPR and First Aid. I missed the one they offer at the high school so I had to find another one some place near where I live. My dad, I can tell that he is a little frustrated that I don’t already have it done.

So I was online this morning trying to find a CPR class that I can take and I found some listed on the Red Cross website. I had to call my dad to find out if I just needed the CPR or if I needed the whole thing with the First Aid. He said I needed the whole thing but that I also needed to go to the Sheriffs department and get finger printed and get a TB test. This isnt that big of a deal really, but it’s that all of this is happening in the eleventh-hour. It doesnt have to be like that. I dont see why I couldnt know this like two or three weeks ago.

I just love it because if this situation was happening in reverse he would be livid! Like through the freaking roof with anger and he would belittle me and make me feel like him not having all the information was all my fault. Which is would be. But here I am and I start to sound just a little bit frustrated he breaks you down. I dont know if I can work so close to him! I just dont know.

So I found out today from my old trainer from college that I probably have a meniscus tear. So unfortunate and saddening. Here’s the scoop..

About a month ago I was having some pain in my right knee, which is the knee above my severely injured ankle that desperately needs surgery but I keep putting off. I started working out again with the FIRM and I was noticing that my knee was cracking a lot more and was stiff to the point of effecting my range of motion. Then after a couple of weeks it went away… for the most part.

But the last week or so I have been noticing that when I do my lunges and squats with my workout video my knee makes a very alarming and worrying crunching sound. So I decided to go see my old trainer. I havent had knee problems in my career as an athlete so I dont really know what a really bad you need to see the doctor knee pain is vs. a just push through it pain. I was expecting “Oh its nothing probably just tendonitis”. Oh boy was I wrong!

To make a long story short, I have to see my orthopedic surgeon tomorrow. This usually isnt that serious of an injury but because it is on the leg that already deals with my decrepid ankle I have to go get it taken care of seriously.

So its to the doctors office we go tomorrow! I am already anxious and dreading it. Just wait til I physically have to drive myself there and walk myself in…

It seems to be that the theme revolving around coaching and the season has been nagging. My mother asks me to go to the high school to sign up for coaching classes. Then my dad asks me about whether or not I have done it (like the same day) and then my mother will ask me again “because she just wants to make sure it gets done”. Rinse Lather Repeat, Rinse Lather Repeat. Blah Blah Blah.

From where I sit, I am an adult. I turned 22 last July and am quite responsible and this responsibility has been proven consistently for the last 10 years. I will get the stuff done, especially if I say I will get it done. Not even that this whole coaching situation was completely my idea. I was very excited to put my name in the mix for a job last spring when it was announced that my dad was the head varsity coach and he had five to eight positions to fill. But as the season became closer and closer I began to dread it. And trying to be a ‘responsible’ person I talked to my dad and my mom about how I was feeling.

I explained that I was feeling anxious to be in a team situation, and that I really wanted to coach and be a part of all of it. But that this season probably isnt the best time. I have done a lot of work to get my life and emotions to where they are today and I am feeling like maybe coaching right now will be more negative than positive in that recovery process. But I could tell that they didnt really hear me by the response. “Well just get the coaching and C.P.R. class done anyways so I can call you when I am in a bind.” I know my father. He is borderline workaholic, and he is one of those always tries to arrive right on time to everything and in the course of trying to do that is usually 10-15 minutes late types of people. All of this being completely 100% true, I would be called in to help almost every day and basically be a full-blown coach on the team. I dont feel like that is the kind of thing I want to be a part of.

Why can’t they just hear me and understand? My dad went through a similar situation with people at our old church. He is the one person in the world that should understand how I feel, and respect it. But he doesnt. He doesnt see that he hasnt set foot in a church since his ‘insadent’ and here I am becoming a full-blown pastor a mere 6 months after everything happened, metaphorically speaking. That is a very hard thing to do.

I’d just like a little space. Trust me, even if in my heart of hearts I dont want to do it, but I say I will, it will get done. I just need less pressure and more space.

The more I think about it and work on all the aspects of this blog, I realize it is so good for me and the ‘recovery’ process. I feel like I can’t talk about any of this with anyone in my life. There are my parents and the boyfriend, but I lost all my friends when everything went south with the basketball team.

And when I do bring up anything about what happened or how it is still effecting me today, I see their eye’s glass over and tone out. This might be me over analyzing everything but I feel like they don’t want to hear it anymore. I just want to move on. I really do, and I want to be back to normal. But I just can’t. I wish I couldn’t feel anything sometimes, it would make everything so much better, to be able to just turn off your emotions. But that is impossible so I just need to get past it all.

But having this place to write down anything I feel or think feels so liberating. It’s nice to have a safe place to share things that I need to get off my chest.

I have just been officially named the assistant coach of the junior varsity girls basketball team at my alma mater high school. Basketball has always been a pivotal part of my life. Playing from third grade all the way up to two seasons in junior college. I was decent too, everything just came together too late in my eligibility for me to continue and along with chronic injuries, my basketball career was cut short. It feels good thought to know that you could have moved on. I had offers from schools even a couple of division two universities. Knowing that you had what it takes makes the ‘letting go of the dream’ part of life easier.

I am reluctant to do this job. My dad has been on the coaching staff at my old high school since I was a freshman. He started as the assistant coach on my freshman team and after I moved up to J.V. he was head coach of the frosh team for two seasons. He loved it so much he moved up to head the J.V. team and this summer was named Head of the Girls’s Basketball Organization for the high school, which means he is the head basketball coach. I was very excited for him. I knew how much basketball meant to him and how much he wanted this chance to attempt to build a program. But I was also excited for myself. I always knew I wanted to coach, to continue to be a part of basketball. At first I wanted to assist him at the varsity level, and I still could if I wanted but some things happened to me my last season playing that effected my life so severely that I couldnt do it. As the days creeped by this summer and the season became closer and closer I knew I wasnt ready, that I was still too wounded. After all this life changing experience happened to me in February of this year, it is only October now. I wanted to back out completely. And I tried, being only 22 and attending a local university I am living at home. I talked to my parents and explained that I wasnt ready, and that this experience just needed to wait maybe a season or two until I was emotionally ready to face this type of environment and situation again. But I don’t think they really understood the seriousness of what I was saying. So I was encouraged to just do it, coach a team, it would help everyone out so much.

At this point I was slated to be the head freshman coach. This was about a month ago, and I started to have anxiety about it. Being such an integral part of a team again, being so vulnerable and at the mercy of a big group of people who can decide you are in or out in an instant. It is the pinnacle of my worst fear since the ‘insident’ on my last team. I purposely didnt get C.P.R. certified and didnt go to the coaching class trying to avoid the whole situation.

Of course it didnt work, my dad found out that you dont need the coaching class the first year your on staff and the C.P.R. class is offered all the time, I just have to get it done by the end of the pre season.

I want to coach so bad, it is such a dream for me and a perfect opportunity to get my foot in the door. It just feels like all of this is happening at the worst time. I dont feel like I am ready.


This is a blog about my experiences and a place for me to discuss things I can’t talk about with anyone in my life. I know this experience is going to be tough and there are going to be days I get to my car and cry and others where I am so unbelievably happy I cant wipe the smile off my face. These are my memoirs from court side.